Novacaine For The Soul
May. 13th, 2012
How can you recover yourself from the lies that other people have told about you? There is no viable defense against this action and it remains infuriating to be accused of actions that were never committed. It is enough for me to go on a multi - state rampage with a machete and a chainsaw. So here is my conclusion: That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.
Apr. 3rd, 2011
09:37 pm - Uncharacteristic silence
The agony and the ecstasy of having a day off. The reality of being an adult is that having a day off from a job does not necessarily equal having nothing to do, the list of things to be done is growing exponentially. I am grateful for the lovely weather today, even though I was chained to my desk writing words upon words.......That being said, I should graduate to the meatier stuff of this post, even though I'd prefer not to. I think I'm drowning; drowning in obligation, in debt, in uncertainty, in heart break. I was doing well for a while, but I'm not progressing anymore. I'm stuck, it feel eerily like wading through muck, except that I'm standing still; completely and utterly motionless. I'm not really like this, I'm probably plight less. I feel crippled and slow, for the agony I'd rather know, cause I'm blindsided.
Mar. 30th, 2011
09:30 pm - Running on empty....
Another lovely week of not having a single day off, punctuated by excessive research that I am very much behind on and still procrastinating with. These past ten days have been interesting and eye opening to say the least, the information that I have processed this week in both my personal as well as work life have left me in an absolute funk that is making me blue. It's not going anywhere.
I feel as though I have been at this crossroads before, and that I am liable to take the same path, except that one I am more aware of what I'm doing. The problem, however, is that I don't know why I'm making a decision when I know the outcome. Is it the predictability, the safety of knowing, or is it because I want to be proven wrong. The writings on the wall are there but I can't be sure because some words have two meanings. So, in light of the events of the past week as well as this one, I am going to hold off on all decision making regarding my personal life and let it marinade until I have an answer about my exact feelings towards this; I already know what my reaction will be and exactly how I'm going to handle the situation, well maybe not exactly, but it's definitely not a passive aggressive response. I will not be an emotional pendulum swinging wildly. I will ABSOLUTELY not let someone get the best of me.
Nov. 13th, 2010
The days are starting to blur together.
Aug. 10th, 2010
08:43 pm - at my wits end....
I don't know how I got here. Well, let me modify this statement; I do know how I physically arrived at this point and the Grand Canyon sized ruts that I slowly clamored out of to arrive at this destination at this exact moment. I am also keenly aware of the less than spectacular choices that I've made along the way. I know that I have matured and that I make much better choices now, but the palpatations never cease.....
The stinging sensation behind my eyes, the feeling of sinking, when I spend too long turning it over in my head. I cannot shake it, I feel victimized by it. I feel betrayed. I am flanked by loneliness and anger, my usual companions.
Jul. 20th, 2010
Refresher courses and Organic chemistry courses for med school are staring me in the face....what have I been doing all this time?......
Jun. 16th, 2010
11:56 pm - Someday
Someday we will become one, find our way
Someday will be forever
One day it could be so
You and I are nothing.
Shut your mouth,
your words they just fall to the floor.
broke my back, lifting your spirits.
Everything changes, I said.
Everything changes, Don't be a stranger
my sweet love.
May. 21st, 2010
07:48 pm - Musings of a troubled mind.....
I wonder if he'd say he's sorry if he thought it would change my mind.
What doesn't bother me however, is not the lack of an apology that bothers
me. What does bother me is why I'm still thinking about him and the lack of
apology. I know that three years is a long time to be with someone and
that it does take time to move past it, but it's been 6 months and I'm
wishing that this would just pass faster. If it's dying, let it die, but
I can't help kicking it anyway.
May. 18th, 2010
10:24 pm - My brilliant fear
I am certain that I'm in the clutch of some crippling emotion, but for the life of me I can't recognize which emotion it is. But it does coincide with the arrival of a certain someone, that was long forgotten because of distance and time and my unwillingness to continue in his company. This emptiness is persisting, so I am certain that there is something that I'm searching for.
It's comparable to standing on the bough of a ship while feeling the waves crashing against me. There's a plan and I'm always working towards it, but I nevertheless feel as though I'm stuck in limbo and being back here feels like purgatory.
May. 15th, 2010
10:31 pm - Back to square one.
I've been here before, I've come back for more. I didn't like it
then and I really hate it now.....
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