Novacaine For The Soul

10:12 am - Of Love and other things lost on me........

If you've got dreams in your heart; why don't you share them with me?
And if dreams don't come true I'll make sure that your nightmares are
through. If you've got pain in your heart, why don't you share it with me?
And we'll just wait and see if it's half what it used to be. and lay it down slow, lay it down free, lay it down easy, but lay it on me. If you've got love in your heart; why don't you keep it with mine? I can't promise a miracle
but I'll always be trying

02:58 am - hwo could you be so heartless.........

The song said it best..."breaking up IS hard to do".....
more later....

04:55 am - The anti-aphrodisiac

I've been here in this old house for two weeks now, and while my work load is wearing down and events are clearing off my schedule I'm less than pleased. With everyone coming to see me and my mother spilling the beans about my whereabouts in Colombo, I can't find any solitude. What I can find is time....
I now have entirely too much time and dead spaces to ponder things that perhaps I should have thought about long ago. I feel as though I'm finding myself at a sort of scary crossroads at which if I don't decide what I want now and what I'm willing to do for it, everything will simply disappear. This is not the kind of pressure under which I thrive. This pressure makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and just do what pleases me, which I might add will not be pleasing to anyone. It's one of those scary decisions where you have no idea what any possible outcome would be, so you can't prepare yourself for anything or harden your heart. I suppose that you never can really be sure of people, places and things, change can be a good and bad thing.
This time is good for self examination, which is good for me but bad for him, and us.
I'd love for things to just work themselves out but I have a nagging feeling that this is not one of those situations, this I starting to believe requires action. If only such things were easy...........

Current Mood: pensive

01:20 am

I'm having trouble sleeping, because I keep turning some questions over in my mind that are troubling me. They have taken residence in my head and I'm filled with the strangest sensation that I've asked myself these questions before, but have never provided a satisfactory or spectacular answer. I am 11 months away from getting hitched and I'm having some serious doubts about whether I should be jumping the broom....I left the country for two months while I sort through my late grandmother's estate, and now I'm back at the scene of the crime. I was exactly here two years ago when I realized that I was in love with him, but now I'm not so sure.....
It almost seems as though the more time we spend apart, the more I have to nurture and rehash these feelings of distrust. I have this huge "wait-and-see" attitude clouding my decision making in regards to our relationship. Which leads me to wonder.....when marriage is complicated enough by itself, will ours work with all our externally complicating factors? Folks...this here is what they call a conundrum....perhaps it's best to just leave it be...don't these things have a way of working themselves out? Lord, I sure hope so.....Cause at this rate, the only thing that I'll accomplish is an MD....

Current Mood: confused

12:36 pm

I AM OFFICIALLY AN AUNT TO TODAY!!!! My sister gave birth to three healthy babies this morning @ 938am, two girls and one boy!!!!! They all have her complexion and my hair!! :)

03:25 pm

Ah, among the cinders and smoke I am praying for rain.
I am overwhelmed. I am working 2 jobs in overdrive before
Med or law school.
I feel powerless in this unknown emotion,
and white hot anger courses through my veins.
I am now so hot that I unknowingly grind
my teeth, in my sleep, on the train, while driving.......
But I did it, I remained an adult, told them the truth
And left and there is no turning back now, not even
If I wanted to. But amidst of all these emotions I am
Finding the peace I have long been seeking…..It is a little
Scary, but extremely satisfying. No more walking on eggshells,
Fights about money etc….I’ve never felt so liberated in my life.
Ohhhhh yeah……

10:55 pm - If love is a game, these are the rules.....

Amelia Earhart once said that:"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace."
I think that she was absolutely right.

Current Mood: pensive

04:55 pm - Seeing past the Horizon.......

OH MY GOD.......I'm getting married next year!!!!
OH MY GOD.......Am I ready?!Is this what I really wanted after all,
are we doing this too soon? Should we wait 'till I'm half way through
medical school?Will my parents ever speak to me again, when I tell them?
Should I tell them?! I don't know....I'm filled with questions that I
have no answers to...I am in serious need of some kind of clarity!!!!
And I should really stop freaking out before I start hyperventilating
and pass out! I can't help but wonder if this is how things were supposed
to turn out....I guess I believe that everything happens for a reason,
but now I'm freaking out that these things are happening!!!!! I have GOT
to calm down.

Current Mood: indescribable

01:32 am - Love's labour lost

You have absorbed me. I have
a sensation at the present moment
as though I was dissolving.
I am lost in love's labyrinth.
I tremble for what we are doing.
Are you sure you shall love me
forever? Shall we never repent?
I fear and I hope.

Current Mood: hopeful

08:52 am - Every new beginning, comes from some other beginning's end.......

Here we are yet again, the end of another year...
Last night, after much horseplay with the girls,
and reading aloud of Dr. Seuss, we were drinking
beer together on the balcony, enjoying
a rare moment of peace and good weather in December,
wathing the night creep into the sky. When the talk
of marriage reared it's ugly head....mind you now it's
never been unpleasant or uncomfortable when this subject
has been approached, I was......suprised...to say the least.
But for the first time, it wasn't music to my ears....It
sounded like a bunch of crap...and it's no wonder....I think
as I get older I'm really starting to take stock in the old
adage that "actions speak louder than words." I suppose that
if he really wanted to be married by now he would have asked
instead of dancing around it, and periodically bringing it up....
I swear to God, we'll raise seven children (not including my sister's)
send them off to college and I'll be old and grey by the time he pops
the question...; )

12:38 am - After a hiatus....

Well Christmas is finally over....thank god....After weeks of dodging my mother, I
finally ended up at the house sans the ball-and-chain, with the WHOLE family, which was interesting to say the least. Spent the whole night missing the kids and listening to
everyone's comical advice and polite comments.
And of course everyone was sober and bickering as usual. Somehow I got roped into taking my
mother shopping tomorrow...I'm hoping that this goes a whole lot smoother than the last time.
The best news of the year so far is that my sister's expecting triplets....I'm so exited and scared for her, she seems to have no idea what she's getting into. My brother just had his Baby; Neveah Lee Gaston, Tina is turning 2 on the 8th of January, My best friend from high school just had a son; Shaw Adam Brownson.....time is moving faster than I can keep track of....It made me sit back and take things into perspective, in terms of movement...As a woman I make moves to get to where I wanted to be in life and needed to be, but as a mother I stand still, so my children can move....It becomes a life of details, that is mundane but rewarding.....Don't get me wrong it's a beautiful experience, but unlike some of my counterparts in the midst of being a mother, I never lost touch of being a woman, Chris and I still have date nights, we still have our Sunday ritual of shooting pool and watching the game. The needs of the children come first, always have and they always will. I do wonder sometimes if it makes me a bad mother....my brand of love might be a tough one...I don't always pick them up when they're crying (I think it spoils them), I'm trying to encourage a sense of independence because they're girls, but I'm not getting much help from Chris who babies them to no end, and of course they manipulate him : ) I'll look at them and they know to stop crying/causing mischief/fighting. Anyway that's what I was pondering when I got home and peeked in on my little sleeping terrorists....lol

Current Mood: contemplative

02:54 pm - who's gonna ride my wild horses?!?

I'm bored to death at work right now....nothing to type, no phones to answer, no meetings to attend, haven't been to capitol hill in a week....just stuck at my desk till everyone comes back from the luncheon...bah....
Feeling a little blue...and for the first time in a long time, I feel as though things are not going to be okay, and I don't know why. Maybe because some things in this mix are a little out of my hands, and I can only control my behaviour and my actions, can't write the script for anyone else. But maybe, just maybe

07:55 pm - the faith that left with you......

7 phone calls later and I still don't know how to fix myself or the man I love.
I chased a muscle relaxer with two vicodin pills and drank enough beer to ferment bread to forget and all I can do is remember and shake. I'm feeling pretty shitty and like I'm some kind of joke. I know that crying over it won't make it go away and that life goes on and that I just have to go along with it, but I can't help but feel lost. If he's turning his back on me, he's picking the worst time to do it......

Current Mood: indescribable

11:34 pm - beautifully undone.....

Lately I'm feeling like there's no where left to turn, there's no refuge, no peace, no quiet.
My dirty little secret is out in the open now, and I'm starting to think that it's tearing us apart. The decision for him is of course easy, when I'm the one that stands to lose something either way......I don't know what to do about anything anymore, there isn't anyone to really ask for any advice for me at least. I cannot imagine how it broke his heart or why he cried in front of me last night....everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.....

Current Mood: anxious

09:56 pm - a noose around my neck for losing you.......

I'm stuck in a rut the size of the grand canyon......and I don't know who or where to turn....

Current Mood: confused

10:45 pm - Take time to realize.......

I think that in everyones life there is a moment when you're faced with a big decision, where what you decide determines if you are an adult or a child. Sometime last week I found myself at this intersection, faced with a decision that is now out of my hands, in which I stand to lose something substantial. But as always there's more, it ties fathfully into a decision that I made for myself on new years eve; when I decided that I was going to make decisions that contribute to my happiness, that I was done doing what other people wanted me to do simply to keep the peace.
He told me he didn't know what I see in him....and now I'm beginning to wonder too.....
I want so desperately to make the right decision without causing a catastophe....but for now, I just don't know.

Current Mood: drained

10:37 pm - Writer's Block: Fixing the past.

11:16 pm - my gypsy heart...........

You're dangerous, 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous - you don't know what you want
Well, you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey, sha-la-la, hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey, sha-la-la
Hey hey, sha-la-la
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well, you stole it, 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it, 'cause I wanted revenge
Well, you lied to me, 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Hey, hey, sha-la-la
Hey, hey, sha-la-la
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Ah, the deeper I spin
Ah, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees, the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heaven's white rose
The doors you open I just can't close

Don't turn around - don't turn around again
Don't turn around - you gypsy heart
Don't turn around - don't turn around again
Don't turn around and don't look back
Come on now, love - don't you look back

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

Current Mood: contemplative

12:39 am - This years love......

I finally took Kenyatta to the Clinic on Thursday morning, the endeavour lasted well into the afternoon. I'm glad Chris came with us, we both needed him to be there. We took her back home, and sped off to have some time together....most of which we spent tangled like a Picasso painting, and the rest we talked, about everything and anything...and we decided to try it again, this time we're moving in together (by the end of this year)more later







This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,















Saw my reflection, covered in glass
How it reminds me of you
Broken like a vision, an unfinished season

Current Mood: crushed

10:16 pm - Dr. Strangelove

Once i had a strange love,
a mad sort of insane love,
a love so fast and fierce i thought i’d die

yes once i had a strange love,
a pure but very pained love,
a love that burned like fire through a field

oh once i had a strange love,
a childlike but derranged love,
a love that if were bottled it would kill.

see once i had a strange love,
a secret and untamed love,
a love that took no prisoners at all

and once i had a strange love
a psychic unexplained love,
a love that challenged scientific facts

and then there was that strange love,
that very badly trained love,
a love that needed discipline and facts

once i had a strange love
a public acclaimed love,
the kind of love that’s seen in magazines.

and once i had a strange love,
a beautiful but vained love,
a love i think it’s better left in dreams

and once i had a strange love,
a morally inflamed love,
we’d go on holy battles in the nights

and then there was that strange love
that vulgar and profane love,
the kind of love that we don’t talk about

yes, once i had a strange love,
a lying infidel love,
who wove in stories like sherazade

and once i had a strange love,
a flaky white kinky love,
we ran so fast we almost spilled our guts..

you see i’ve had some strange love,
some good, some bad, some plain love,
some so-so love,"so hot!"
and c’est la vie…

but just let me proclaim "love" that, out of all the strange love you’re the strangest love i’ve ever known….